Pure Twaddle

In Germany and Austria, one of the greatest winter traditions is the Christkindlmarkt. These large outdoor markets usually take place in the town’s square or Marktplatz (market place). For some, it’s an opportunity to purchase hand-made Christmas gifts or sweets. For most everyone else it’s a good excuse to get drunk on Glühwein. Even after the Christmas stands pack up and disappear, the Glühwein stands remain open until after New Year’s Eve.

Glühwein (pronouced Gloo-vine) is essentially mulled wine, consisting of spices, sugar and red wine. It’s a great party drink. Here’s my favorite recipe:

Ingredients:*
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup water
1 cinnamon stick
5-6 whole cloves
1 lemon
1 (3/4 liter) bottle of red wine

Instructions:
Put the water in a saucepan. Add the cloves, cinnamon stick, and sugar. Bring to boil over high heat. Reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes.

Cut the lemon in half and squeeze its juice into the simmering mixture. Zest the lemon and add as well.

After 30 minutes, strain out the solid bits and add the wine. Heat very slowly over low heat. Do not boil as the alcohol will burn off. When just below boiling, serve in a mug or, if you have it, a Glühwein cup.

Some of the hardcore Germans add brandy or schnapps to their Glühwein. Do this with caution.

*Double these for twice the Glühwein

Popularity: 8% [?]

Day four of the Obama vacation watch. According to a tw0-page article on the Washington Post website, there is nothing new to report. But it’s good to know they are keeping an eye on the situation.

From the article:

But this month, returning to his former home as president-elect, Obama has gone from Hawaii’s tourist in chief to its hermit in chief. He has been unusually private at the start of his 13-day holiday vacation, providing an early glimpse of what any tropical getaways during his presidency may be like.

The editorial staff considers this front-page news, folks.* Meanwhile, Pakistan is amassing thousands of troops on the Indian border in preparation for a possible war.**

*I know it seems I’m picking on the Post, but it’s verging on idolatry at this point.
**Does anyone else think it’s weird that I have to reference a foreign news source on this?

Popularity: 32% [?]

I recently saw yet another bloody commercial on TV promoting Marley & I Me. But this time, I noticed something frightening.

I’m on to you, Owen Degeneres. You scam of collecting two social security checks is soon over.

Popularity: 19% [?]

The Washington Post is hastening its slide from the preeminent newspaper on national politics to a non-glossy celebrity tabloid. It has been obsessively covering Obama, whom they adoringly call “44,” since his sudden appearance two years ago, amplifying the adulation even more since he was elected. Now, I like Obama as much as the next guy, but this recent article (on their 44-blog) is too much.

A choice quote (emphasis mine)

On Sunday, Obama awoke early for a 7:15 a.m. workout at a gymnasium at a sleepy Marine Corps base on the island of Oahu. Michelle Obama, carrying an iPod and headphones, joined her husband for the 45-minute exercise session, according to a media pool report. As they emerged from the gym, Obama, in a gray shirt soaked with sweat, lifted his right hand to give a quick salute to a couple uniformed Marines standing nearby.

and:

Obama, a left-handed golfer, sported black shades and wore a white polo shirt, brown cargo shorts, short white socks and golf shoes. About midway through the course, Obama stopped by the snack bar, where he purchased two hot dogs, two passion-orange sodas, one Powerade and one Coke. He also bought two Spam musubi, a sushi-like Hawaiian delicacy consisting of Spam and fried egg on a slab of rice, all held together with a dried seaweed wrap. (He paid a total of $17.75, but it was unclear whether the president-elect ate a Spam musubi.)

Please tell me more about the musubi! Did he eat half and save the rest for later. Did he like it? Did it transport him to his Spam-eating days as a child child, frolicking on the beaches of Hawai’i, musubi in one hand, and a dream of changing the world in the other? So many questions, WP, so many questions!

As our economy burns, as the Feds hand over trillions of dollars to whomever asks for it, as thousands of Americans lose their jobs, this is the best original reporting the Post can produce. The newspaper that broke the Watergate scandal, the newspaper with 47 Pulitzer prizes, reads like an unneccesarily verbose twitter feed. The difference is the Post costs $.49/week.

Update (18.06): The comments on the article’s page make me lose even more faith in the WP’s readership.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Be a nonconformist (just like everyone else). That’s Adidas’ new mantra, according to their new advertising campaign, which gives us lesser mortals a glimpse into the three-striped life. For sixty glorious seconds we see an eclectic group of famous folk clad totally in Adidas gear party it up in a mansion to the soothingly insipid electronic tunes of Madcon. It is not clear what David Beckham, Russell Simmons, Missy Elliot, Kevin Garnett, et al. have enough in common to want to socialize, let alone dress identically. Perhaps a hefty check from Adidas suffices.

As if watching the idle rich being paid to be even more idle isn’t stupid enough, the commercial ends with the gentle command to “CELEBRATE ORIGINALITY.” What better way to do so than to wear the same clothes as everyone else?

Popularity: 28% [?]

Chicago (AP) — Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal bailout money after being charged with trying to sell President-Elect Obama’s U.S. Senate seat, he announced at a press conference earlier today.

“I know what I said looks pretty greedy and corrupt,” he read from a prepared statement. “But with all the problems going on today, I just wanted to help stimulate the economy. You know, get some cash flow moving.”

The governor said he got the idea to receive government bailout funds during his arraignment hearing, where the presiding judge set bail at $1 million. Blagojevich wanted it increased to $5 million until his attorney informed him that is how much he owes. “I realized then that the burden to pay should fall not on me, but on the American taxpayer.” The reason, Blagojevich explains, is that he is too big to fail.

When asked why Blagojevich should receive any federal aide, a spokesman for the governor said “government corruption is a major component of the Illinois economy. If we let [Blagojevich] go down, the whole system will ground to a halt. The wheels of government won’t grease themselves, you know!”

Speculation on the effects of Blagojevich’s resignation vary, but all agree that the outlook is grim. “Illinois is a large supplier of corruption,” says William Granger, professor of political science at the University of Chicago. According to him, almost 45% of Washington’s corruption is imported from the state. “If we don’t let Blagojevich get away with this, we could see a loss of millions of corruption-related jobs, with the knee-breaking service industry and nondescript-black-suitcase-full-of-cash manufacturing sector hardest hit.” he added.

Blagojevich plans on testifying before Congress “right after January 20,” according to his office. House Financial Services Committee chairman Barney Frank, D-Mass., issued a statement after the press conference saying “I will ask the governor lots of superficially hard-hitting questions to make it look like I am doing my job. Then [the Congress] will give the governor whatever he wants.”

Popularity: 16% [?]

I was recently catching up on a popular TV show when I came across a scene that included a completely unnecessary suitcase bomb. I started thinking about how many TV super-villains and terrorists rely on large digital timers to detonate bombs. I’m sure you’re familiar with those handy plot devices that invariably force the hero to choose between the red and the green wire.

Any television government anti-terrorism task-force worth its salt should recognize this pattern and start monitoring the purchase of LED countdown timers. How many people with good intentions really need a timed switch that can’t be turned off? With a simple background check, situations like the one below can be easily avoided.

Scene: Neighbourhood hardware store, about 3 p.m.
A Villain enters

Shopkeeper: Hello! How may I help you today?

Villain: I’m looking for a digital timer with an electronic switch.

Shopkeeper: Like an egg timer?

Villain: Yes, but I don’t want anyone to be able to turn it off or disable it.

Shopkeeper: Ok, here ya go. Anything else?

Villain: Yes, I need about 800 pounds of C-4 and a nondescript black suitcase.

Shopkeeper: Sure. Big plans?

Villain: (Hesitant) Yeah, I’m blowing up … a tree stump.

Shopkeeper: Oh, those can be tricky. Let me see what we have.

(Shopkeeper checks in the back)

Shopkeeper: I’ve got the suitcase, but unfortunately no C-4.

Villain: Drat. Any spent uranium?

While the warning signs may be difficult to spot at first, with a bit of training this shopkeeper will be able to spot potential threats before they occur.

Perhaps I need to get out more.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Something has always bothered me about American Apparel clothes. No, it’s not the 50-pound boxes in which their shirts are shipped to retail stores. It’s not that they are the overpriced, low-quality uniform of the tragically cool hipsterati, though I loathe this, too. No, it was something else; something deeper and more sinister.

Once I spotted it, I couldn’t believe how simple it was. Some choice items from their online catalog look strikingly similar to Mormon undergarments. To wit:

Popular items from American Apparel
vs.
Popular items from your local LDS temple

As you can see, the two differences are that the American Apparel designers have taken the huge leap of using dye and that Mormons prefer flowery backdrops for their glamor shots.

After some research, I discovered that one of the groups uses these sacred garments as an outward showing of their devotion to a peculiar and exclusive religion. So do the Mormons; the only difference being that they refuse to wear them in public.

Popularity: 100% [?]