Blagojevich Requests Bailout
Chicago (AP) — Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal bailout money after being charged with trying to sell President-Elect Obama’s U.S. Senate seat, he announced at a press conference earlier today.
“I know what I said looks pretty greedy and corrupt,” he read from a prepared statement. “But with all the problems going on today, I just wanted to help stimulate the economy. You know, get some cash flow moving.”
The governor said he got the idea to receive government bailout funds during his arraignment hearing, where the presiding judge set bail at $1 million. Blagojevich wanted it increased to $5 million until his attorney informed him that is how much he owes. “I realized then that the burden to pay should fall not on me, but on the American taxpayer.” The reason, Blagojevich explains, is that he is too big to fail.
When asked why Blagojevich should receive any federal aide, a spokesman for the governor said “government corruption is a major component of the Illinois economy. If we let [Blagojevich] go down, the whole system will ground to a halt. The wheels of government won’t grease themselves, you know!”
Speculation on the effects of Blagojevich’s resignation vary, but all agree that the outlook is grim. “Illinois is a large supplier of corruption,” says William Granger, professor of political science at the University of Chicago. According to him, almost 45% of Washington’s corruption is imported from the state. “If we don’t let Blagojevich get away with this, we could see a loss of millions of corruption-related jobs, with the knee-breaking service industry and nondescript-black-suitcase-full-of-cash manufacturing sector hardest hit.” he added.
Blagojevich plans on testifying before Congress “right after January 20,” according to his office. House Financial Services Committee chairman Barney Frank, D-Mass., issued a statement after the press conference saying “I will ask the governor lots of superficially hard-hitting questions to make it look like I am doing my job. Then [the Congress] will give the governor whatever he wants.”
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Tags: Blagojevich, government, Illinois, satire