“Ask not what the government can do for you. Ask why it doesn’t.”
Writing letters to your elected representatives is a uniquely American pastime. When all else fails, we hold on to the belief that a well-crafted plea will influence decisions at the highest level of government. Perhaps you may have read about a recent bill that strikes a chord with your sensibilities. If only you could just lay out the reasons why you believe in it, you could convince your congressperson that it’s a worthwhile measure. Perhaps a syndicated talk show host has roused righteous indignation in your heart and, by God, you’ll let Madame Senator know your staunch opposition to some affront on our social mores.
This quaint idea that contacting a senator means being heard somehow persists in our age. True governmental change is purchased and promoted through think tanks, influential insiders, and lobbyists with bottomless pockets. But to all the hopeful romantics out there who think a letter-writing campaign can bring some change, I offer a guide compiled from my limited experience in the halls of state government. Here are ten things that will ensure your letter goes from the clammy hands of some bored, clock-watching bureaucrat to the lofty desk of your chosen leader.
- Send a form letter. Nothing shows deep support for an issue like the 45th copy of a personal plea with a different name and address at the bottom.
- Do not reference specific legislation; simply state general policy ideas. Be sure to suggest possible bills to be introduced. The representative will certainly appreciate your attempt at writing law.
- If you do have to reference a specific bill, do not give any reasons why you support or oppose it. One- to two-sentence e-mails saying you do or do not like the legislation are best.
- In fact, don’t use complete sentences, proper punctuation, or grammar. Representatives love the game of decoding what the common man is trying to say.
- Do not register to vote. Representatives want to hear everybody’s viewpoint no matter what. In fact, they even eschew voting roster databases just so they won’t be tempted to ignore non-voters.
- Address the wrong representative. A naturally curious breed, senators love reading other people’s mail.
- Address the wrong chamber. Senators want to hear your views on House bills and vice versa.
- Address the wrong level of government. No, your state senator may not be able to vote on the current federal stimulus package, but he will happily do all in his power to forward your concerns to the right senator in Washington.
- Call incessantly 24 hours after mailing your letter to confirm that it was received. Most representatives do not believe constituents are really serious until they call. They usually have a big box labeled “Not Called” which is emptied at the end of every week unless you call.
- Call again just in case someone missed your letter and first three calls. Yelling and insulting the office receptionist will get your point across.
Happy writing!
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Tags: government, reading, satire