phatbartimaeus@clin02.cassiopea.it
to me

subject: Watch her come over and over

Why lie? I need money.

I admire his honesty, so I sent him $1,000 by wire transfer.

Yes, Nestlé’s team of morally-bankrupt chemists have managed to squeeze about a Red Bull size serving of caffeine (about 80 milligrams) into a 3.7 oz packet of chocolate and refined sugar. This is the candy bar for the fat-ass who is too lazy to drive to the Starbucks next door and raise the average 8 ounces of coffee with quivering hand to his caffeine-deprived lips.

As if the existence of this abomination wasn’t enough, they are introducing this new product of post-modern vapidity with an ad campaign that seems to have taken all its cues from the movie Idiocracy.

As a welcome sign, of the 200 million active users on Facebook, only 84 are official “fans” of this new candy bar. Though, disturbingly, they are all very eager to spray-paint the saffron logo onto their fresh BUZZ-cutz.

Pop quiz: Which one do plants crave?

For example, the new TurboTax commercial. In an advertising binge, Intuit has created a series of ads featuring Ben Franklin, Ulysses S. Grant, and Andrew Jackson*, stars of the $100, $50, and $20 bills, respectively. Here’s the twist: they are painted green as if they just stepped out of their pointillist portraits from our most-coveted currency. Ignoring the fact that the front of all US bills are printed in black (hence the term greenbacks), the TurboTax marketing team have presented us with a terrible alternate reality.

As you can see in the above video, our two relatively forgotten presidents and one founding father are presented as helpful zombies who are looking out for the common man by offering advice on various fiscal matters.

If there is one thing that George Romeo has taught me, it’s that if the reanimated corpse of old Benny shows up at your door backed by Grant and Jackson, you don’t invite them in and discuss IRS statutes, no matter how helpful they seem. Club them on the head and flee to your nearest windowless basement with a bat and a radio. If the zombie apocalypse does befall us, my last worry will not be how much I’m saving on taxes; it will be whether I need to bludgeon my best friend to death before he’s transformed by the bite he got trying to be a hero.

In short, get a new angle, Intuit. Drop the dead presidents before the US becomes inured to the undead threat.

As an aside, this is the first video I ever captured from TV and uploaded to YouTube. I’m ashamed that I went to the trouble, come to think of it.

*Jackson’s bank policy is looking mighty attractive now, aren’t they?

As if watching the idle rich being paid to be even more idle isn’t stupid enough, the commercial ends with the gentle command to “CELEBRATE ORIGINALITY.” What better way to do so than to wear the same clothes as everyone else?

Once I spotted it, I couldn’t believe how simple it was. Some choice items from their online catalog look strikingly similar to Mormon undergarments. To wit:

Popular items from American Apparel
vs.
Popular items from your local LDS temple

As you can see, the two differences are that the American Apparel designers have taken the huge leap of using dye and that Mormons prefer flowery backdrops for their glamor shots.

After some research, I discovered that one of the groups uses these sacred garments as an outward showing of their devotion to a peculiar and exclusive religion. So do the Mormons; the only difference being that they refuse to wear them in public.