Pure Twaddle » satire

What, me worry?

admin — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 04:16:36 +0000

But seriously, good luck to everyone in Egypt, police and civilian alike.

Enter Title Here

admin — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 08:46:10 +0000

Here’s where I prepare a topic sentence to introduce an entire paragraph leading up to an obscure subject. Here’s where I talk about how long I’ve been in the blog game. Here’s where I talk about my experiences that everyone has had and I know can certainly relate. Here’s where I mention how what I’m about to talk about has never been encountered by mankind and I’m the first to notice it. Here’s where I use an Oxford Comma to vary, expand, and complicate my sentence structure.

This is the sentence I changed in editing at the the sacrifice of flow to break up the monotony of repeating the same initial word. Here’s the sentence I ignrode in editingbecause I paid too much attention to the previous sentence. This sentence allows me to use a word that no-one has ever superrealized, yet you’ll accept it because clicking “Read more” means you’re already hooked on my post. Also, quotation marks make me seem more authoritative. Now I mention the mundane thing that happened to me today that triggered this blog post. I follow with a description of my outrage that will fly way over your head. Here is a relevant link.

This is an awkward transition. Now I mention something relevant in pop culture that will pique your fading interest. This next sentence won’t really relate that well, but you’re still thinking about the pop culture reference so it doesn’t matter. Then I post a video which you’ll draw your own conclusions from.

Here’s where my point runs out of steam and I realize it doesn’t have enough heft to sustain a four-paragraph post. This is where I try to cover up that I’m an amateur writer by pretending to achieve enlightenment through pacing out my unedited criticisms of something too far removed from real life. This is where I notice my run-on sentences and then take comfort in knowing that all great modern writers use them.

Here’s a hasty conclusion because I just saw a Twitter post about the death of the blog and I need to post a comment post-haste about how the blog is still a vibrant and exciting expression of our new media frontier. A pithy comment follows that, though profound at first, makes less and less sense after you stop reading.

Hunting Llamas

admin — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 06:46:27 +0000

I’m on to you, Thompson.

Plight of the Masses

admin — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:34:59 +0000

The Washington Post has a front-page story complaining about the low quality of food in Paris. What are well-to-do Washington Post journalists to do? I say, let them eat cake!

Oh, Jeez

admin — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 09:33:53 +0000

Let me first preface this clip with a few facts:
1. I like Stephen Colbert
2. I believe P. Obama is eligible to be the US president
3. I believe in honesty

Now regard the following video:

The Colbert Report

Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Womb Raiders – Orly Taitz

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tasers

It’s shocking how many times Colbert is cut into Taitz’s conversations. It’s not just basic interruption, a good ear would catch that most of her words have been edited out so that the only voice is Stephen’s. Sure it’s satire, but to invite someone on and make them a foil by post-production is disgusting and cheap. I thought better of you, Colbert. You don’t win arguments by erecting a straw man.

Go West, Young Man!

admin — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 07:53:32 +0000

I lie in bed awake unable to sleep,
and in my conscience deep,
I dream of Montana and hitch-hiking,
out West with a pair of skis,
forming creases on my shoulder while
the snow digs deeper into my psyche
Yes, I am ready for you
Thou urge to flee what feels so comfortable
And what again bothers me

Editorial Intern Sought – Unpaid (New York)

admin — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:26:32 +0000

Reply to: job-yeah-right-1255781602@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-07-06, 11:54AM EDT

GazillionBazillions (www.gazbaz.moc), the leading financial, political, and scientific blog site, is in search of two talented editorial interns for the summer.

Responsibilities:

Provide administrative support for the department/division such as answering telephones, selling advertising, and filling in when the most experienced staff fail to show up.
Bring order to our filing “bucket,” a large bin where we’ve been throwing important documents since our company’s inception.
Provide helpdesk solutions for our overpaid, under-educated staff
Make executive-level decisions about the direction of the company. Must be willing to accept responsibility to shareholders for said decisions.
Repair drywall/Remove water stains
Throw rose petals (self supplied) in the wake of our CEO, while never treading on his shadow

Requirements:

A steady hand
Must currently be a student
College degree required (Masters or PH.D. preferred)
18 1/2 years of professional writing, editing, and tap-dancing experience at a major newspaper or magazine
Must have flexible morality/be willing to break the law
Intimate knowledge of quantum mechanics and/or molecular biology
Proficiency with Mac, Windows, Unix, Linux, ENIAC, and Kremvax
Must be available to work no fewer than 60 hours/week
Ability to levitate a big plus.

Candidates fluent in Mandarin & Cantonese will be considered first.

Please send us a short paragraph about why you want this internship as well as a proposed solution to the Hodge Conjecture (no longer than 140 characters, plz) to the e-mail above.

* Compensation: Unpaid (Meal stipend possible)
* This is an internship “job”
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

“Ask not what the government can do for you. Ask why it doesn’t.”

swami — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 09:48:00 +0000

Writing letters to your elected representatives is a uniquely American pastime. When all else fails, we hold on to the belief that a well-crafted plea will influence decisions at the highest level of government. Perhaps you may have read about a recent bill that strikes a chord with your sensibilities. If only you could just lay out the reasons why you believe in it, you could convince your congressperson that it’s a worthwhile measure. Perhaps a syndicated talk show host has roused righteous indignation in your heart and, by God, you’ll let Madame Senator know your staunch opposition to some affront on our social mores.

This quaint idea that contacting a senator means being heard somehow persists in our age. True governmental change is purchased and promoted through think tanks, influential insiders, and lobbyists with bottomless pockets. But to all the hopeful romantics out there who think a letter-writing campaign can bring some change, I offer a guide compiled from my limited experience in the halls of state government. Here are ten things that will ensure your letter goes from the clammy hands of some bored, clock-watching bureaucrat to the lofty desk of your chosen leader.

Send a form letter. Nothing shows deep support for an issue like the 45th copy of a personal plea with a different name and address at the bottom.
Do not reference specific legislation; simply state general policy ideas. Be sure to suggest possible bills to be introduced. The representative will certainly appreciate your attempt at writing law.
If you do have to reference a specific bill, do not give any reasons why you support or oppose it. One- to two-sentence e-mails saying you do or do not like the legislation are best.
In fact, don’t use complete sentences, proper punctuation, or grammar. Representatives love the game of decoding what the common man is trying to say.
Do not register to vote. Representatives want to hear everybody’s viewpoint no matter what. In fact, they even eschew voting roster databases just so they won’t be tempted to ignore non-voters.
Address the wrong representative. A naturally curious breed, senators love reading other people’s mail.
Address the wrong chamber. Senators want to hear your views on House bills and vice versa.
Address the wrong level of government. No, your state senator may not be able to vote on the current federal stimulus package, but he will happily do all in his power to forward your concerns to the right senator in Washington.
Call incessantly 24 hours after mailing your letter to confirm that it was received. Most representatives do not believe constituents are really serious until they call. They usually have a big box labeled “Not Called” which is emptied at the end of every week unless you call.
Call again just in case someone missed your letter and first three calls. Yelling and insulting the office receptionist will get your point across.

Happy writing!

Now You Know

swami — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:34:00 +0000

Found on the net.

Blagojevich Requests Bailout

swami — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 01:40:00 +0000

Chicago (AP) — Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal bailout money after being charged with trying to sell President-Elect Obama’s U.S. Senate seat, he announced at a press conference earlier today.

“I know what I said looks pretty greedy and corrupt,” he read from a prepared statement. “But with all the problems going on today, I just wanted to help stimulate the economy. You know, get some cash flow moving.”

The governor said he got the idea to receive government bailout funds during his arraignment hearing, where the presiding judge set bail at $1 million. Blagojevich wanted it increased to $5 million until his attorney informed him that is how much he owes. “I realized then that the burden to pay should fall not on me, but on the American taxpayer.” The reason, Blagojevich explains, is that he is too big to fail.

When asked why Blagojevich should receive any federal aide, a spokesman for the governor said “government corruption is a major component of the Illinois economy. If we let [Blagojevich] go down, the whole system will ground to a halt. The wheels of government won’t grease themselves, you know!”

Speculation on the effects of Blagojevich’s resignation vary, but all agree that the outlook is grim. “Illinois is a large supplier of corruption,” says William Granger, professor of political science at the University of Chicago. According to him, almost 45% of Washington’s corruption is imported from the state. “If we don’t let Blagojevich get away with this, we could see a loss of millions of corruption-related jobs, with the knee-breaking service industry and nondescript-black-suitcase-full-of-cash manufacturing sector hardest hit.” he added.

Blagojevich plans on testifying before Congress “right after January 20,” according to his office. House Financial Services Committee chairman Barney Frank, D-Mass., issued a statement after the press conference saying “I will ask the governor lots of superficially hard-hitting questions to make it look like I am doing my job. Then [the Congress] will give the governor whatever he wants.”